Sammy's Diary

Today

2008-05-27T22:22:17Z

I started my new job today I am so happy and yet so sad. I really dislike taco bell but I miss some things. I haven't been there in over 2 weeks isn't it amazing...

Anyways Ryan and I are getting along so much better then we were before and I am loving every minute I am with him. We do have problems but nothing we aren't working on. I am still scared though, but perhaps that feeling will never leave me.

3 days left

2008-04-05T23:31:16Z

Its been so long. So why am I not as happy about him coming home as I should be?

Never Took The Time

2008-04-03T06:28:34Z

A moment ago it seemed
It was yesterday
you were here with me
And everything seems to be the same
What am I supposed to do with all these empty rooms
Sit here in solitude with the smell of your perfume

Chorus:
You never took the time to know me
You never took the time to understand
You never took the time to know me, yeah
Cuz loving you is all I ever had
Said loving you is all I ever had

This wasn't what I wanted to be
A man in misery
Girl I look back 1000 times and can't believe that you left me (Why you leave me baby)
Why can't you understand my pain
How can I explain
Girl I dont know what im doing wrong
I Can't believe that your love is gone

[Chorus]
Cuz You never took the time to know me (Said you never took the time to know me)
You never took the time to understand (Ohhhh yeaahh)
You never took the time to know me, yeah (Said you never took the time to know me)
See loving you is all I ever had (had, had )
Baby, loving you is all I ever had

(instrumental break )

Bridge :
Ohhh Yeah

your All i need
Your all I see
and I Wish that we could do it again

[Chorus]
Cuz You never took the time to know me (Baby you never took the time to know me)
You never took the time to understand (Ohhhh Ohhhh)
Said You never took the time to know me, yeah
Because of you now I'm just a lonely man
Because of you now I'm just a lonely man

Fuck What You Heard....

2008-03-21T09:31:15Z

Tears stream down my cheek...
Thoughts of clouds swim through my brain...
What once I gathered....
Is now scattered...

I am awaiting so many answers. I almost scared to get them....

I feel so selfish and confused.

Wtf is everyone's problem????

La La La La...... (Sammy's World)

2008-03-20T01:25:48Z

Okay... my world.

Work
For a change I don't mind it. Yeah I have my good days and bad. It might just be because of the raise coming up. I heard it was going to be pretty generous and I am looking forward to that. Maybe I won't have to make sure I work my 40 hours every week anymore, and take up on overtime when it becomes available. It sucks though a good manager I have worked with since I started just got transfered out. He won't be coming back. It does give him more opportunities if he plays his cards right. Well, I am also considering working on promoting... I am not sure if I want to though. If I do I don't want it flung over my head all the time, or to interfere with what I already have going on. I actually get along with the crew and I am doing good. I wouldn't want the extra responsbility to mess that up. Work is stressful enough without all that.

Home
I love being at home. I love my family. Sometimes I just need to get away from everything, and well I don't even realize that I just want to be at home by myself. Myself is what I have been focusing on. Its what I should of been doing before, but I haven't had time like this in years.... literall.

Friends
Ashley is doing alright. I think her and Chris finally stopped fighting again. Thats always good. Carol is good, I just got drunk with her on St. Patrick's Day. I don't really talk to any of my other friends. They don't seem to want to talk to me or hang out that much.... but I can be a _ sometimes.

Love
I know I don't admit this much to myself, but I can't move on without truth. I am tired of being ignorant to things that were so clear before. I am awaiting Ryan's decision on some things. I am really confused about the whole situation.

LIfe

2008-03-17T09:20:12Z

Life sucks bottom line...

When everything is good its only an illusion.

Friends

2008-03-07T10:28:31Z

I woke up normally, it wasn't until about a half hour ago that I realized I am blind. This post has nothing to do with Ryan. I just realized that most of the people who pretend or say the are or want to be my friend are just using me. It really hurts... kind of anyway. I am sick of it though. I stopped hanging around alot of people I work with a long time ago cause I knows they were scantless. Now things just come more and more clearly who I can talk to and hang out with, and most of my friends aren't really my friends at all. Others are better then I could of even asked for.

Soooo stupid....

2008-03-05T10:23:31Z

Never make plans to visit friends that don't want to see you. If you do make sure they actually want to be your friend. Cause I just lost a really good friend. I feel like shit, too. The reason was just fucking retarted but I am better then it anyway. The thing about having a friend like me, is that I won't ever judge you. No matter what happens! I might get sick of you and say mean things, but I still care. I try not to put my 2 sense in but when your depressed I am going to say what you want to hear. All well its not like I am going to let this bother me anymore. It was his choice, and now he can just fuck off!!!!

Amazingly Beautiful...

2008-03-04T05:32:53Z

Its what I am. I can't help it.

Another day...

2008-02-29T11:48:37Z

It's leap year, that means an extra day in February, and a chance to vote. Vote... something I don't do. Why don't we just throw Bill back in office and prey for the best.

Work was loads of fun. We close at 3am but I didn't get out until 5:30 something. You don't want to know.

Ryan made me happy =) I got another letter it was in response of one that I wrote him when I was feeling down. I only wish it would have been here when I needed it.

I am going on vacation soon. Not to far or very long. Just some time to get trashed with some old friends. I would invite you but then it wouldn't be a vacation away from everything.

I really heart bananas. They are yummy.

Good Day!!!! (even if its bad)

2008-02-25T11:10:04Z

I had a really good day. I had waken up to getting by my 8month old niece that I volunteered to keep for the night. She is almost walking now. Its seems like it was last month that I was walking out of work to get to the hospital. My mom said my sister looks really refreshed after having a night off. I told her it was probably because she finally got some good sleep.

Work wasn't to bad it actually flew right by I am goin job looking tomorrow. My bills are coming in quicker then I can pay them off.

Ryan seems bored out of his mind... I probably would be too.

Home isn't to bad... It could be better though.

Oh I am off tomorrow wensday and friday if anyone wants to do anything????

Memories

2008-02-22T08:05:01Z

*

2008-02-22T02:35:21Z

I wake up each morning and feel empty. It has been taken me a couple hours to get over the depression that was only taken a few minutes. I go through each day thinking and wondering about him. I make myself sick with love. I am in love with someone who I was willing to do almost anything for but he himself, couldn't bring himself to stop selling weed or smoking for me. He tells me he loves me in every letter I read, I tell him the same. I blame him for everything going on, because indeed it is partially his fault. Its also part mine for staying with him. I know I am free to leave at anytime but it just seems harder to let him go. I hope that if he knows how I have been feeling lately he will realize that its not worth it, or never was. I am putting a good 3months into suffering without him here, and I will put in more until he fucks up again. Then its over there is nothing more after that. As much as I want us to have a baby I have to tell him we should wait another year or so. This year hasn't been that great for us and if next year doesn't get any better, we will be over. A few months is to short but a year without any serious problems would be much better. I love him so much that it hurts me!

Regrets

2008-02-18T10:52:40Z

I woke up tis morning and really regretted drinking and eating bad for the 2nd time yesturday.... you don't even want to know =(

I wrote Ryan and told him I had thoughts of cheating on him. Regretted it as soon as I woke up and apologized.

I regret ever getting a job at taco bell too.

I don't know why.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-15T06:25:09Z

Today started out frustratingly. I couldn't sleep worth a shit last night I wasn't looking forward to anything today. Things got better once I got to work though. Larry and Carol and Megan were all my Valentine's. Megan brought me a card... I was so excited to get a valentine. Once I got home I spent a lot of time on the phone talking to people I don't usually talk to. Ashley was one. They might get to go back to there apartment tomorrow but they are being evicted and have to be out by March 13th. I am really hoping everything goes good for them. I wish Ryan was here I really need.... For real I am getting all wound up because I do want to cheat on him. I have been humping people again... I try not to but I can't help it...lol

Ya know what????

2008-02-14T03:29:17Z

I never thought I would be one of people that would be so consided... well more then a lot of people. It's really good in a way though. I stopped hating on everyone else around me and started loving myself. I have always been confident and full of myself, but lately I have had an undefined happiness with myself. It helps me not be mean to everyone else around me. I don't hear as much shit being talked behind my back either. Sometimes when things are bad you just step aside and breath. You take in everything around you and then realize whats wrong doesn't have to be. You know that things aren't bad unless you make them that way. I like compliments not just on how I look but on what I do. Reading helps a lot for a little bit of everyday I can just check out. It's amazing how far I have come in the last month. =) I am probally more proud of myself then anyone else is.

I didn't have to close today for the first time in almost 2 weeks.... wow! I was supposed to work until 12am but thanks to randomized number picking... lol, I got to go home around 9:30pm. I am so excited about it. I don't even know why. I know I need the hours but I guess sometimes its good to get some of the perks of lil things... besides I got until Tuesday to make them up.

Ryan made me a Valentine's day card and put 2 letters in the envelope. I was to excited it had faded hearts on it. It was so pretty... I am gonna upload some photos to my myspace.

I came home and played with Spazz for awhile. Then read the letters he sent and now I am on the computer...

I happy =) today. I haven't felt this much joy in a very long time. I think not drinking has been helping a lot, too.

Day 33:

2008-02-12T09:44:24Z

I got 2 letters from him today. The one was a sweet lil something and the other confused me. I think he mixed up some words by accident cause it really didn't make since. Some of it did. I miss him soooo much....

sammylovesryan @ 2008-02-10T23:45:00

2008-02-11T04:49:38Z

Do you ever just sit and stop doing everything to just cry.... you know why and so does everyone else. You don't speak what you are thinking but it just seems like your whole world comes crashing down in that one second. Your hopeless you can't think and stop... alls you do is cry.

The truth is I do it every night sometimes two or three times... I put my world back together each time in hopes he will be home soon.

Day 32:

2008-02-11T04:39:36Z

Past 1 month, 2 more to go....

A long journey it seems is passing. Each new morning I awake with new found hope and faith. It takes me a minute to come to and realize that I can go on even without you by my side. Still I know with breath I take it would be much easier if you were here. It won't be long before I can see you again... but it feels like an eternity. Almost as if I am falling down a bottomless pit. Your words of wisdom and thought mean much to me and help to guide me along my way, as I hope mine do the same.

Day 29:

2008-02-07T23:46:25Z

I got a letter from him today. He isn't getting out until April 8th... =*(

It doesn't even feel like he been gone for as long as he has, but once he gets out I know it feel like it had been an eternity...

I sent him a card with 4 pics in it and a money order of the change he left behind...

I have wrote him almost every day this week because I am having trouble sleeping. The only thing I can think about when I am lieing here is being in his arms.

I wish I could hold him just for a minute so that I know he always be there. It seems impossible to keep going on everyday, but I know I must if I am ever going to see him again.

"This is what our family will look like when we are ready."

"Becuase you need to remember how happy we were"

"Blacky is really fluffy" (inside joke)

"Because I know how pretty I look and how much he likes it"

Loosing Interest

2008-02-07T09:39:21Z

It seems for the past few days I keep loosing interest. I have lost interest in money, friends, work, and well pretty much life. Its really starting to hit me that I live for others. I know this is sad but its true the only thing I have done for myself lately is this diet. Now I am looking better, and feeling better about myself, but it just seems like I am missing Ryan all the time. I never happy =) anymore except for maybe a second other then that its whatever. I hope I can flip things around for myself by the time he gets out....

Day 28:

2008-02-06T05:59:08Z

I miss him so much! I was really depressed today, I mean all day. Not for any particular reason either. I guess I just kind or felt overwhelmed. I was really tired even though I shouldn't have been because I got a lot of sleep last night. I slept from 12:30a - 2:30p. I don't know what the hell was wrong. I had Apple Jacks with Blueberries and a Banana for breakfast, but that just gave me tons of energy. Once I got to work I started a shift change and got caught up on prep. Tina was surprised (I think) at the amount I accomplished in less then an hour, and even if she wasn't I was still proud of myself. It was really busy for the first 3 hours I was there. Then I got wiped. I am not really sure what did it but I was ready to leave. I was quiet until I ate something. Then I cleaned pretty much the rest of the time... Now I am at home trying to think of what I want to eat? grrr.... I still don't know.

Soooo....

2008-02-04T20:16:10Z

I wound up drinking Saturday for those who don't already know. I really regretted it all day Sunday, you don't even know how much. I am off today though but I don't know what I am going to yet. I think I might just clean or do my finances or watch a movie. I got to get something to eat here in a minute... but I am gonna make some Chicken Alfredo if anyone is hungry I will warn you ahead a time its gonna be healthy though, so its not gonna have all the fat of a cheeseburger or Olive Garden. I really want some of there breadsticks.... maybe after pay day if I have enough money...

Oh and I found out earlier that my insurance company isn't gonna cover the scrathes but if I want I can file another claim. I had to pay $50 of my deductible today. It really sucks I told them I might be able to give them another $100 when I get paid in a week but I think its gonna be less then $50. It depends on how much my check is and if I have to get more diet food yet.

I got off early

2008-02-02T10:01:11Z

... and I closed. =) I love my job sometimes. oh and did I mention it was a friday night =O

Not looking forward to Friday...

2008-02-01T09:39:04Z

I just got off work its like 4:30a and it sucks cause I have to be back at 7p for a 10-11hour day. I ussually like these shifts but not on the weekend. But I am off Saturday and I am hanging out with some friends. If anyone else wants to hang let me know. Cause I am going to be playing the designated driver.... Thats so shocking that actually mean that. =O